I’m not depressed, I feel it would be offensive to categorise myself as such when there are people out there who are genuinely and clinically depressed. I do however have this lingering sadness. Right when I laugh I get the thought ‘oh this won’t last, why even start’. What the fuck brain? Anyway, I know I’m ‘not’ depressed however I am ‘not-depressed’. I call it that because I’m not content, not happy, not sad, nor am I depressed, but I feel like I am the latter so I call it a variant of that, a lighter depression if you will. Not-depressed.
I’ve tried to explain this to people and they all look at me like I’m just looking for attention. I genuinely am not. Maybe it’s the way I try to explain it to them. This is my preferred method: ‘sometimes I feel like life is just not worth living, then 2 hours later, I can’t wait to see someone or something. I’m not bipolar, I’m well aware of my mood shifts and they aren’t in the extremes. Sometimes I’m happy, other times I’m really sad, but not because of things I don’t know about, it’s because of the things I’ve experienced or have to deal with that I get unhappy. I wish it wasn’t this way. I see the mountain I have to climb and just the thought of climbing it makes me weak.’ When I’m done with that long phrase they respond to me the same way I do to my brain: ‘what the fuck profanetruth’? Then I have to go deal with it by myself.
But, what they fail to realise is I recognize it, where the sadness comes from, why it’s there.
That’s what I mean when I say I’m not-depressed. Last night, I almost got into one of my moods when I realised just how much responsibility I have. No, I did get into one of my moods. It lasted for about 15 minutes. 15 minutes of me saying ‘I hate myself, I hate my life, this is too much for me to handle’. You know just the regular stuff normal people think. Anyway, about 15 minutes, I just said to myself, ‘fuck those thoughts’. Just like that, they disappeared. I didn’t even think that they’d disappeared. I was lying in my bed, crying without tears, loathing my life, then I just said it, ‘fuck those thoughts’, got up, made my self dinner, came back, watched some shows, listened to some music and slept.
Someone who is clinically depressed could not do that, their depression is much more severe, I understand and respect that. Which is why I’m not-depressed. People who are depressed can identify with my mood shifts, my empty feeling, and my sadness. The difference being that in my case it’s merely just a state of mind. Me being too lazy to own up to my responsibility. Maybe I will need some sort of help if it becomes severe but right now, I’ll be okay knowing I’m just not-depressed.